Miscarriage, Panic Attacks, First Year Teaching, but Haven't Lost my Mind!

Happy Easter!

Wow. First blog post. Think of something witty or interesting to write. Nope, nothing. Ah, what  the heck. I'll just write about my life. It will be therapeutic, regardless if anyone actually reads this.

I am in my late 20s, married to a wonderful husband for 2 1/2 years, with a dog and two cats. We live in the upper Midwest (colder than a witch's titty up here). He is an electrical engineer and I am a special education teacher. This is my first full year of teaching and it is very stressful. I am also in my 13th month of trying to conceive.

I got pregnant- FINALLY- during the 12th month of trying to conceive. I was so happy, and my husband was getting very excited too. Unfortunately, last week we lost that pregnancy. I was 9 weeks pregnant, but embryo had died at 6 weeks. I miscarried naturally because I wanted to have as little lasting impact as possible on my body and future fertility. It was harder than I thought it would be, but I think I am still glad I did it. Off and on, I feel very sad, but mostly I feel hopeful. Something went wrong with that pregnancy, but it doesn't mean I won't get pregnant again and it doesn't mean that I will miscarry again. So anyways, even though we had that tough experience, we are still really hopeful.

Then last night, I had a panic attack. (Bah-bump, bah-bump, seemingly a 100 times a second). I haven't had one since (I think) I graduated college the first time in 2005 and I didn't know what I was going to do for a job or how I was going to pay my rent. Lots of anxiety, obviously. Last night, I had my brother spend the night. He has autism and some psychological issues as well. He has had incidents of aggression in the past, but is doing a lot better now. I love him lots. He just has a hard time understanding the world and himself. Anyways, he was in bed in the next room. I was in bed with my husband, just starting to fall asleep, when my husband wakes me up ands says something like "What is your brother doing?" He goes on to explain that my brother keeps going into the bathroom to spit in the sink. I explain that he always does that after brushing his teeth. He is very particular about making sure all of the paste is out of his mouth. Then, we hear my brother talking in his bedroom. My husband says something like, "What's that?" I explain that my brother reads before going to sleep and he usually reads out loud. I have explanations for everything and know everything is OK, but I can't fall back asleep and actually feel like I am having a heart attack. Why would I have a panic attack if I know everything is OK? Maybe it is left over from the trauma of my miscarriage. Maybe I feel anxious all the time now, without realizing it. Maybe I am anxious about my brother spending the night, without realizing it. Who knows? I just hope that I am done with the panic attacks because after just being off for spring break, I go back to work tomorrow to my stressful job (that I hope someday is more joyful than stressful). On this Easter Sunday, I need strength and perseverance!