I am horrible. I went to my friend's wedding yesterday, and even though I was happy for them, I kept thinking "Please don't let them get pregnant before I do". I know parenthood is not a race and I should be happy if I get pregnant, no matter when it happens. This was just such a tough week in terms of seeing people pregnant or with their children. Every time I saw a mother with a little child, I teared up, which is really unusual for me. Normally, I feel fine and tell myself my day will come soon. Lately, I have been wondering if I will ever get to be a mother. Logically, I know I can adopt and I would be just as happy with that option. My husband and I already discussed that if I am not pregnant by September that we would look into adoption. BUT I am wondering if destiny will conspire against me and motherhood will never happen. I care for my students, but I wouldn't want my career to be the basis of my existence.
Still, I don't want my friends to become parents before I do. Logical or not, I would feel like a huge failure if that happened.
Thank goodness my husband and I have this cruise to look forward to! I am supposed to get my next period right before we leave. My husband is bummed about that, so he is determined to get me pregnant before then so that my period never shows up. ;)
Good luck to everyone TTC!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Not Pregnant
Hello. I will keep this short, but not very sweet. AF showed up, so I am definitely NOT pregnant. I feel very disappointed and numb at the same time. Starting to feel like I will never be a mother. :(
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Getting-My-Hopes-Up Weekend (Had a good bday though)
I made a big mistake this weekend. I held a baby.
OK. Let's go backwards. I actually had a pretty nice weekend, even though I was kind of depressed about what happened at work last week. On Saturday, I went to my brother's Special Olympics track meet. He got first in the 200 m dash and second in the 100 m dash. I was so proud of him, and he was so happy! Afterwards, my husband and I went to my aunt's house for my cousin's graduation party. I got to see a few of my aunts and uncles and cousins I hardly ever see anymore. I also met my newest second cousin (my cousin's cousin). What a cute baby! I couldn't help myself. I held him for a half-hour and made a fool out of myself just to make this kid crack a smile. He was really sweet. Almost too sweet because it got me thinking about TTC and hoping that I was pregnant but just didn't know it yet. Later that night, my husband and I were both really tired, but we went to see Bridesmaids because I didn't know when I would be able to see it otherwise. It was really funny. (Highly recommend it.)
Then yesterday was my birthday. My mother-in-law and father-in law came over. My MIL helped me plant flowers and my FIL helped my husband fix our patio. They also brought over a new patio set for my bday and a bigger grill for my husband's bday (an early present). Anyways, it was a really nice day.
Unfortunately, last night when I should have been in bed, I was obsessing over my bbt chart, trying to see some pattern that showed I was pregnant (at 9 DPO). I think I got my hopes up because when I woke up this morning and saw that my temp had dropped quite a bit from yesterday, I was really bummed out. I really hope I am not out this month. I was stupid and got my hopes up. I am sick of waiting. That's all I ever seem to do. We had to wait a whole year to get pregnant last time. Can't we get pregnant quick THIS TIME?
Well, I should go. I got work today and don't want to be late. I am going to make myself leave on time this week. Because last week was so horrible (maybe I'll tell you about that some time), if I work too many extra hours this week I will probably go insane.
At least, I got one thing to look forward to... Cruise! :)
Have a nice week, everyone!
OK. Let's go backwards. I actually had a pretty nice weekend, even though I was kind of depressed about what happened at work last week. On Saturday, I went to my brother's Special Olympics track meet. He got first in the 200 m dash and second in the 100 m dash. I was so proud of him, and he was so happy! Afterwards, my husband and I went to my aunt's house for my cousin's graduation party. I got to see a few of my aunts and uncles and cousins I hardly ever see anymore. I also met my newest second cousin (my cousin's cousin). What a cute baby! I couldn't help myself. I held him for a half-hour and made a fool out of myself just to make this kid crack a smile. He was really sweet. Almost too sweet because it got me thinking about TTC and hoping that I was pregnant but just didn't know it yet. Later that night, my husband and I were both really tired, but we went to see Bridesmaids because I didn't know when I would be able to see it otherwise. It was really funny. (Highly recommend it.)
Then yesterday was my birthday. My mother-in-law and father-in law came over. My MIL helped me plant flowers and my FIL helped my husband fix our patio. They also brought over a new patio set for my bday and a bigger grill for my husband's bday (an early present). Anyways, it was a really nice day.
Unfortunately, last night when I should have been in bed, I was obsessing over my bbt chart, trying to see some pattern that showed I was pregnant (at 9 DPO). I think I got my hopes up because when I woke up this morning and saw that my temp had dropped quite a bit from yesterday, I was really bummed out. I really hope I am not out this month. I was stupid and got my hopes up. I am sick of waiting. That's all I ever seem to do. We had to wait a whole year to get pregnant last time. Can't we get pregnant quick THIS TIME?
Well, I should go. I got work today and don't want to be late. I am going to make myself leave on time this week. Because last week was so horrible (maybe I'll tell you about that some time), if I work too many extra hours this week I will probably go insane.
At least, I got one thing to look forward to... Cruise! :)
Have a nice week, everyone!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Looking forward to party, wedding, flowers, cruise, baby... Not necessarily in that order
Hi, again!
So many things going on now!
I just ovulated yesterday (I think). This is 3 weeks after my miscarriage, before my first period. We actually tried rather vigorously (contrary to my previous plan) because I couldn't imagine passing up that fertile time without full-on effort. I might be a little crazy, but I feel so optimistic!
Also, 6 weeks to go until our cruise! My husband and I are flying to Miami and cruising to Ocho Rios, Jamaica, and the Cayman Islands.
So excited! I can't wait to be out and about in warm summer weather and swimming in the ocean!
Also, in the next 2 weeks, I go to my cousin's graduation party. I remember holding him soon after he was born and then later babysitting him and his brother and sister as they grew up. I can't believe he is 18 and graduating! I feel so old! LOL
I will also be attending my brother's Special Olympics track meet the same day. He wasn't involved in Special Olympics last year because of emotional difficulties, so I look forward to seeing him competing. He is actually pretty good at shot-put and running. If you have never been to a Special Olympics sporting event, I highly recommend it. It is very fun and the competitors enjoy it so much.
My friend from high school will be marrying a woman he met at my wedding 3 years ago! I love weddings, mostly because of the food and dancing at the reception. I plan on dragging my husband out on the dance floor and making a fool of myself.
My birthday is coming up and I will plant flowers with my mother-in-law. I look forward to getting my hands dirty and seeing a beautiful yard as a result. Then, I will really know summer is coming soon!
Good thing all this exciting stuff is happening right now because I think work will continue to be stressful up until the final day of school. I am trying to get several of my students into summer school. They have special needs. (I am a special education teacher.) It is very difficult to get them into summer school, which drives me crazy. I hate how deplorably school districts and society in general still treat people with disabilities. All anyone seems to care about is how much their care costs. Guess what? We used to put people with disabilities into institutions and that was inhumane AND expensive! OK, done venting! :)
I just hope 2 weeks from now, I am writing a blog post stating that I am cautiously expecting my first child (a rainbow baby).
So many things going on now!
I just ovulated yesterday (I think). This is 3 weeks after my miscarriage, before my first period. We actually tried rather vigorously (contrary to my previous plan) because I couldn't imagine passing up that fertile time without full-on effort. I might be a little crazy, but I feel so optimistic!
Also, 6 weeks to go until our cruise! My husband and I are flying to Miami and cruising to Ocho Rios, Jamaica, and the Cayman Islands.
So excited! I can't wait to be out and about in warm summer weather and swimming in the ocean!
Also, in the next 2 weeks, I go to my cousin's graduation party. I remember holding him soon after he was born and then later babysitting him and his brother and sister as they grew up. I can't believe he is 18 and graduating! I feel so old! LOL
I will also be attending my brother's Special Olympics track meet the same day. He wasn't involved in Special Olympics last year because of emotional difficulties, so I look forward to seeing him competing. He is actually pretty good at shot-put and running. If you have never been to a Special Olympics sporting event, I highly recommend it. It is very fun and the competitors enjoy it so much.
My friend from high school will be marrying a woman he met at my wedding 3 years ago! I love weddings, mostly because of the food and dancing at the reception. I plan on dragging my husband out on the dance floor and making a fool of myself.
My birthday is coming up and I will plant flowers with my mother-in-law. I look forward to getting my hands dirty and seeing a beautiful yard as a result. Then, I will really know summer is coming soon!
Good thing all this exciting stuff is happening right now because I think work will continue to be stressful up until the final day of school. I am trying to get several of my students into summer school. They have special needs. (I am a special education teacher.) It is very difficult to get them into summer school, which drives me crazy. I hate how deplorably school districts and society in general still treat people with disabilities. All anyone seems to care about is how much their care costs. Guess what? We used to put people with disabilities into institutions and that was inhumane AND expensive! OK, done venting! :)
I just hope 2 weeks from now, I am writing a blog post stating that I am cautiously expecting my first child (a rainbow baby).
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